You Create your Own Reality
Once upon a time I started dating a man who came with a baby and an ex. I quickly fell in love with him. I would like to say and the rest was history but it was no where near that easy. But falling was the easy part for me. I knew if I could just be patient and get past the bumps we would make a great team because he was perfect for me.
Let me preface this with the fact that his ex and my husband had made a decision to not stay together but to share the parenting responsibilities early on into her pregnancy. I met him way past the date where they had ended their relationship and his son was 2 months old. I know you are going to ask where we met, so let me tell you!! It was in the meat department of Costco. Our eyes locked over a package of rib-eye steaks. Just kidding!! We like to tell people that, wait for the giggle and then let them know we met on Match. The memory of us creating this story makes me smile every time.
Very early on in our relationship I had come to a conclusion, you might call it a dream, that I would make his ex my best friend. It was an altruistic dream that even my husband scoffed at. Not listening to social norms of her hating me, me hating her and ultimately making Daniel's life a living hell blew everyone's minds. I cannot tell you how many people could not understand my decision. How it didn't fit into everyone's perception of how this triangle game would play out. And as our future progressed it could have been easy for me to put all my frustrations on her because I could fill a large lake with them. But I felt for her. I could see how some woman coming into her baby's life would instinctively cause her pain. She could rationalize that he would find someone new but the part where I got to steal a giggle or changed a diaper would bring a rush of panic to her heart she wouldn't know how to deal with, and I empathized with her.
I still get the,"You're a better person than me" from a lot women followed by a story of how their ex's new wife did this or how the baby mama makes my life miserable by doing that. And that's their reality. I choose to find the similarities between her and myself because we are sickeningly alike. I tease my husband that it must freak him out on occasion. I make an effort to nourish the relationship that we have created outside of Oliver and the daily minutiae of raising a 5 year old hellion. She can be difficult, shhh... don't tell her!, but I make the choice to be patient and concentrate on her good qualities.
So I created my reality. My family consists of 3 parents all ganged up on this persistently delightful, goofy, precocious, red dead bed bug loving, all grown up 5 year old boy and as we drive down the road crammed in to some car you can hear us giggling about farts and making up silly songs. And... my heart is full.